The five love languages, a concept introduced by Gary Chapman back in 1992, outline the various ways people may express and feel love towards each other. Those languages include words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch. As the phrase has become more popular through growing self-help culture and social media, its simplicity has sparked both appreciation and critique, making it hard to establish one fixed consensus surrounding the validity of its framework. The notion suggests that understanding someone’s preferred ‘love language’ will enhance mutual understanding in a romantic or platonic relationship. From this logic, communication is key and knowing your partner’s primary love language is the fuel that allows you to drive off into the sunset, with your perfect relationship on the horizon.
Simply speaking, let’s say your partner’s love language is receiving gifts, so you buy them something new once a week. Yet, how does this account for the four remaining, abandoned languages; does your partner still need a supportive hug or a motivational ‘You got this!’ if you bought them a Cadbury’s Twirl for the fifth time this week?
That’s the thing about humans. We are not fixed, and we are certainly not simple, so while this concept is appealing on the surface, it is at risk of oversimplifying the fluidity and complexity of love. Gary Chapman’s novel The Five Love Languages is deemed a work of Christian literature, based on hacking the compatibility metric rather than acknowledging the nuances that accompany complex relationship dynamics. Additionally, his non-existent research background serves as a rather unconvincing form of advice, especially as he fixates on Christian heterosexual marital relationships; therefore, excluding much of the population from its intended rhetoric.
However, let’s not dismiss love languages entirely as they do in fact make sense; someone who values words of affirmation may respond more positively to their partner telling them that they are appreciated over a public display of affection, and this goes for anyone’s preferred form of romance. But what enhances feelings of love in a person is subjective and cannot/should not be limited to one fixed format, as that contradicts the beauty of love entirely. Love is multi-faceted and ever evolving. It encompasses joy, devotion, attraction, and commitment—elements that are unique to each and every relationship. Love languages have recently become a rite of passage in early dating conversations, offering an understanding of another’s needs, and so the concept should not be ignored entirely. It can enhance mutual empathy in a relationship, but it is not a comprehensive format for dating. A relationship is defined by shared experiences between people that adapt over time; not restricted to simply receiving gifts just because it’s your partner’s preferred form of love. A New York Times article stated that ‘These days, it seems as if everything is a love language’ and perhaps this is true—by limiting love to merely five expressions, we risk narrowing the spontaneity and depth of our relationships.
“holding hands” by annstheclaf is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0.