At university you can prepare for a lot of things: assignments, choosing a flat, the desperately cold weather. However, realising that the cracks are beginning to show in your beloved first-year friendship group is a truly soul-destroying experience.
The first year of university is as much an exciting realisation of one’s independence and freedom, as it is a desperate scramble to attach yourselves to the very first people that you meet. For many, the year is already fraught with petty arguments about kitchen cleanup and inevitable fallouts. Yet, some may feel as if they have found the sort of friends that feel like family. Unfortunately, though, in mine and many of my friends’ experiences, this honeymoon stage of friendship rarely survives the notorious ‘second year curse.’
Why is it that we tend to feel so much friction with people we had initially got on so well with? A common grievance is untidiness, and a lack of respect for shared space. Resentment builds, causing tension amongst flatmates. More often than not, however, the reason for fallout is a clash of personalities. Indeed, the reason that this is so surprising is because you thought you knew each other well; well enough to live together. I have a theory about why this happens: some people keep their depths well-hidden. I have heard of many people who seem lovely but, as soon as the lease is signed, unleash a version of themselves that is relentlessly argumentative, or unable to complete the simplest of household tasks.
Many people actually suggest not living with your friends, for fear of uncovering these unfortunate qualities. If you are currently a second-year, living with friends and have not yet had a similar-sounding experience—don’t despair. By this time in the semester, you’re probably one of the lucky few. That’s not to say that student living is without its challenges. Compromises are necessary when living with others and minor disagreements are unavoidable, regardless of whether or not your flatmates stay your friends.
My own experience of a first-year friendship deterioration actually was caused by our group not living together, as initially planned. It was the separation; the act of not seeing each other every day (as we had done previously) that caused dynamics to shift. We slowly outgrew one another—and now we don’t speak at all. Reflecting on this is important; it’s absolutely okay for friendships to evolve over time. The truth is: not everyone is a friend for life—people come and go, and that’s totally fine. As hard as it sounds, don’t dwell—it’s an opportunity to explore other relationships!
Image by Max Brown for The Student