Falling out with friends is so secondary school, right? Surely we are too old to be arguing with our friends at university? In reality, it is so normal and is something most people continue to encounter throughout their adult life, with it happening at least once during their university experience. Although being able to disagree with your friends is a sign of a good friendship, what do we do when it escalates into a full-blown fallout? I am going to offer some advice and tips for how to handle and resolve friendship conflicts in a way that aims for the best outcome for everyone involved. Unfortunately, avoiding a conflict won’t make it go away and will more likely end in tensions simmering beneath the surface or grudges being held which may creep up later on in the friendship. Therefore, it is important to accept that an inevitably awkward conversation is probably needed.
It may seem obvious, but the first and most essential step is identifying the source of the fallout. This is not always clear, especially if it is the result of an accumulation of things. To do this, it is necessary to reflect on your own actions as well as those of your friend: how would you feel if the roles were reversed? If you find this sort of self-reflection difficult, you could ask a friend or family member for their honest opinion from an outside perspective, because it can be hard to look at a situation objectively when emotions are heightened.
The next step is initiating the conversation; a quick text message of ‘Are you free for a chat later?’ will do the trick. Now, onto the awkward part of actually having the conversation. This should preferably be in person, because communication over messages is always ambiguous and there is too much room for misinterpretation that risks worsening and prolonging the conflict. During the conversation, try and focus on how the situation has made you feel, acknowledging your own actions and how you want to move forward. It could even be helpful to think about what you want to say beforehand to ensure you don’t end up forgetting what you wanted to say and leaving the conversation feeling dissatisfied. If you feel your friend’s actions hurt you or crossed a line, it might be useful for you to make your boundaries clear so that this doesn’t happen again. A good friend will always respect any boundary you set for them, and this is an effective way of protecting your friendship in the future.
Finally, I think it is also important to acknowledge that a friendship fallout might not resolve despite the efforts, and this is okay. Maybe you have changed as people, or you just don’t click anymore; it is perfectly fine if the conversation just ends in you accepting these facts and eliminating any hostility so you can be civil. Friendship fallouts can be upsetting and difficult to navigate at any age, so my last piece of advice is to always confide in someone else close to you about how the situation is making you feel to prevent it affecting other parts of your life.
Photo by Courtney Cook on Unsplash.