Belinda Carlisle sang that “heaven is a place on Earth”. This implies that hell is, too.
Someone you know is taking her boyfriend there tonight. He wants to “split the G”, she wants to daydream about being with Paul Mescal instead.
Enter: the “venue”. Cue a man in a baseball cap playing Galway Girl on acoustic guitar. Ireland is having a moment — Sally Rooney! Barry Keoghan! — and the last thing anyone wants to do is consider why so many English students like to come here and perform this vague, voguish pantomime.
Do you think it will rub off on you? So drink up your Guinness, scream Zombie, marvel at the décor. The posters say “split the G!” You can do that anywhere. You can do that in pubs with cheaper Guinness, where you can sit down, or go to the bathroom without shoving through a horrendous mass of rugby boys from Wiltshire who like saying “craic”.
It takes ten minutes, but when you get back, the man with the guitar will still be playing Galway Girl, because time is broken in this Ouroboros. Someone you know might be going there tonight. Someone you care about. Dropkick Murphys: just say no.