When I came back from my year abroad in May this year, my family commented on how different I seemed. I study Spanish and had stayed in a town just outside Madrid called Alcalá de Henares for eight months. I can say it was definitely the most beneficial thing I have ever done in my life, but maybe not for the reasons you might expect.
When I arrived, I knew I could barely speak Spanish. I’m shy by nature, and always struggled with a lack of confidence in social situations – epitomised in my Spanish-speaking abilities (or lack thereof). I had a lot of knowledge in my head, but I struggled with such a deep, inbuilt lack of confidence that I almost couldn’t physically speak. When I opened my mouth, all I felt was my heart lurching and my mouth going dry. The words were in my head, but I couldn’t get them out – unless I really, really had to. Basic communication was all I could achieve, at a push. I was embarrassed and ashamed that I was in Spain as a student who studied Spanish, but I couldn’t speak it.
So I decided that I would get better. But how? My rule was to have a conversation at least once every day, and I stuck to it. Sometimes it was with the receptionist at my halls, sometimes with the cleaner, other times with somebody in my class, or a friend in the dining hall. Some days it was a really long conversation, like chatting over an ice cream (the equivalent of going for a coffee), and other times just speaking to the barista in a café. At the start it was very difficult, when I didn’t know the people I was talking to and sticking to the rule was stressful, but I barely allowed myself any days off as I continued to put myself in situations where I felt even more anxious and out of control.
Soon, my confidence had shot through the roof. I learned I could actually cope in normal conversation with people, and that I could talk about different things, and ask questions, and listen. I gave directions, ordered, and chatted to people in the street more than a few times. It wasn’t always pleasant to have the steady pressure of practice, practice, practice weighing on me. However, it meant I ended my year abroad practically fluent where I’d barely been able to speak a sentence before.
I also discovered that I love Spanish, surprisingly enough. I love speaking it, I love the simple act of communicating and surprising people with the fact that I can actually communicate. I love how happy Spanish-speakers are when they can revert into their mother tongue with me. I love the friends I made by making the effort to connect with a different culture. I’ve absorbed the language into my personality and unique self-expression. For example, when I write poetry, I like to do it in a mixture of English, Scots, and Spanish, as all three together and intermingled feels like the most authentic reflection of my heart and mind. I’ll never be a total expert at Spanish, but I can communicate without a single issue or hesitation. And I think that’s the most important thing. Textbook knowledge is easy, but communicating confidently is much more challenging – and rewarding.
Staying comfortable and in control would have meant that I stayed incapable. It would have meant I wasted my chance to learn an invaluable skill – but not just that, wasted a year where I could have grown as a person and been enriched by overcoming so many challenges. Staying safe in familiar, English-speaking contexts and almost never practicing the language – that was the stumbling block for many an international student. Because the truth is, like anything in life, a year abroad will not be absolutely incredible by definition. It’s all about what you bring to it: that makes the difference.
Learning to be uncomfortable meant I could take on new things, do things that seemed scary, and persevere. I think out of all the beautiful parts of my year abroad, that personal journey was the most precious. I was previously really shy and struggled with meeting new people or doing anything social, but now it doesn’t even bother me – I actually have to stop myself from overdoing it on the chatting, because I love it so much. I feel like I’ve grown into myself, and I feel secure and comfortable in who I am. That’s what I want to continue to share about my year: that if we put ourselves in positions where we are forced to be humble, forced to be vulnerable and persevere, we will find that soon an enduring metal is forged in us, by which we can apply ourselves to anything we set our minds on, and achieve the most of our potential.
Illustration by Emily Lucas, @mydoitillustration on Instagram.