Since the dawn of romantic courtship, there has been the question: why do we love terrible men? Known for their innate awfulness, these men are often considered more desirable than any virtuous or stable suitor.
We cannot first consider why our attraction to them seems so strong without first recognising the cultural boundaries within modern dating. The persistent narrative that men are emotionally deficient or less empathetic than women, has been consistently propagated throughout our society. Despite its lack of scientific reason, growing up with this perspective places pressure on young girls to compensate for a perceived emotional gap between the sexes. From this, the “I can fix him” fallacy becomes a default for any person faced with a damaged man.
So, why do we believe if our love is consistent and strong enough then we can reshape a man into a gentler and more affectionate partner? Perhaps the romanticisation of classic figures in romance novels and the media is partly to blame. Consider Gatsby, Heathcliff, or even Romeo. While their authors know any ardent reader would unravel their flaws, they’re oftentimes de-contextualised to the point where they are seen as paragons of true devotion.
We tend to overlook Heathcliff’s vindictive nature, Gatsby’s self-destructive obsession, or Romeo’s impulsivity and instead choose only to see a desirable all-consuming love. Netflix’s Bridgerton promotes a similar message with each season centring around a reformed rake becoming a loyal and loving husband, which risks establishing a false expectation for consumers that true love can only be found in a man who has an element of depravity.
After all, is our attraction to these men something we are biologically disposed to? B.F. Skinner’s familiar research on operant conditioning introduced the idea of intermittent reinforcement. While his 1948 study for this focused-on pigeons, it rings painfully true for the modern dating experience. If we complete an action and then receive positive attention from our partner, we do it again only to be given more attention, great right? But say suddenly this only occurs on occasion, our brains have already been prewired to expect a positive result, so we’re more likely to become addicted to the chase of dopamine.
Ultimately, our attraction to ‘terrible men’ may reveal less about internal desires and more about conditioning. When we’re constantly saturated by messages sanitising dysfunctional behaviour from men then it is no surprise we find ourselves pursuing them. It is time we stop idolising harmful personalities and recognise that sincere passion isn’t contingent on emotional volatility.
Image by Timo Stern on Unsplash
