An awkward breakfast or a swift abrupt gesture to the front door, followed by a dishevelled appearance at class wearing a turtleneck that was dragged out of the depths of your wardrobe, are frequently the aftermaths of a careless and inebriated post-club sleepover. Many of us have experienced the unpleasant situation of hearing your flatmate having obnoxiously loud sex. Inevitably, such stories become amusing anecdotes which get spread around friendship groups, laughed off, apologised for, and normalised as part of university life. Yet sometimes those exciting late-night fun and games become a source of tension among flatmates, straining romantic relationships, and leading to many awkward and uncomfortable conversations.
So, how do we navigate the inherent challenge of having sex and romantic relationships while living in shared flats with friends? And when is the line crossed? The most prominent root of tension around sex-tiquette is engaging with the act in communal and shared spaces; showers, the sofa, the bathroom. Even stories of sex in the kitchen have blessed or, more accurately, scarred many ears. While having sex in communal areas with knowledge that all your flatmates are out may not disturb anyone, it does raise a few questions around boundaries, and most likely your flatmates would be concerned if they found out that the much-loved coffee table had become a surface used for your intimate relations. In terms of relationships, even in the most discreet and careful situations keeping your fun mainly in the bedroom will prevent any confrontations — such as over the rising energy bill as your flatmates have probably noticed the suspiciously long time the shower has been occupied for.
Yet how do we handle the conundrum of the one-night stand? Hoping your flatmate is deep into their REM cycle, or that the shared wall is thicker than it actually is, may unfortunately be wishful thinking. Not being excessively loud is therefore important. Putting on some chill background music or white noise might be a good buffer in drowning out any embarrassing sounds. Furthermore, do your headboards share a wall? If so, then a bit of nighttime feng shui might be required, or simply a cushion or a blanket between the head of your bed and the wall might offer a more feasible solution. If unexpected, a simple heads up on the flat group chat will avoid any confusion about the new pair of shoes outside your bedroom door, preventing the fright of your flatmate walking in on you and your company in the morning.
Your fling shocking your flatmate on the way to their 9 a.m. by dashing to the toilet in little clothing, or stumbling into their bedroom having mistaken it for a toilet, are understandably unsavoury interactions. Therefore, staying modestly dressed in communal spaces and a brief of the flat floor plan will avoid any unwanted encounters. Having said this, mistakes happen and rules are bound to be broken, and as long as it doesn’t become a repeat issue, addressing the matter openly and humorously is often the best way forward. Whilst gifting your flatmate a pair of earplugs might set the wrong tone, I’m sure some of their favourite snacks won’t go amiss.
Realistically, mistakes happen, and as long as all parties are safe and comfortable, you have nothing to worry about. A recognition that different people have different boundaries when it comes to intimacy, strangers in their flat, and displays of affection is vital. Thus, understanding all your flatmates’ individual notions of sex-tiquette and laying down some ground rules is an important requisite for keeping everyone satisfied.
Illustration supplied by Anna Benson (@alb.mp3_) for The Student
