We’ve all said things we regret, and, perhaps more often, regretted things we never said. We’ve rehearsed speeches in the shower that were never given, whether they should have been or not. Most of the time, it is fear that keeps our words in check — whether that be fear of getting our feelings hurt, being rejected, or starting a major argument over a minor issue. Perhaps the most universally recognisable example is the dilemma of falling for someone: is it better to tell them or let it be? When it comes to expressing how we feel, is it better to speak or to die?
Call Me by Your Name, the novel and film from which this title is taken, borrows its central question from a 16th-century French parable, The Heptaméron, in which a knight, hopelessly in love with a princess, struggles to find the words to tell her. The story ultimately decides that it is better to speak. While it’s easy to justify inaction with excuses, it’s better to take the chance. I cannot count the number of times I’ve yelled at the screen watching Gilmore Girls as Luke repeatedly chose silence over telling Lorelai how he felt. That’s not to say it always works out happily ever after. Laurie’s “It’s no use, Jo” speech in Little Women is visceral; he can no longer suppress his feelings despite knowing she doesn’t share them. While she rejects him, his confession clears the air so both can move on. A conversation doesn’t have to give you the answer you wanted to be worth having.
Unfortunately, there are times when feelings perhaps should not be expressed. I’ve received two unexpected “I love you” speeches from guys whose feelings I couldn’t reciprocate. I’d only met the first hours earlier, and promptly told him that you cannot love someone you don’t know. The second I’d rejected several times before, but he seemed convinced that a grand gesture might change my mind. While there’s nothing wrong with sharing how you feel, it’s important to read the room. However, even genuine affection doesn’t guarantee reciprocation. There’s no shame in expressing your feelings, provided you’re prepared to accept the answer.
Returning to the source material, Elio reflects that “we wasted so many days” refusing to confront their feelings, making their eventual confession all the more bittersweet. I once found myself unable to do so, and I still find myself lying awake at night wondering what might have changed if I had, or whether I might at least have discovered how the other person truly felt. The point isn’t that every feeling deserves to be confessed, or that every confession deserves reciprocation, it’s that fear shouldn’t make the decision for us. We might not get the answer we want, but surely it’s better to know than spend the rest of our lives wondering?
Illustration by OllieProchwicz @prochportfolio for The Student
