As September rolls quietly round, so does the slightly less quiet bustle of the university year, and for many students, the notoriously-dreaded continuation of long distance relationships. As an international student, and having been in a long distance relationship for over a year now, I’d like to think I’ve learnt a thing or two about nurturing a spark from a distance. Everyone has something to say about what makes a long distance relationship tick. But beyond knowing when you’ll see each other next, calling every night, and online dinner dates, what is it that really makes long distance work?
The space left behind by a partner with whom you’ve passed days on end can feel gaping, disorienting, and a little too quiet. From stretching beyond my half of the bed to washing up our last set of dishes upon returning from the airport, the disparity reaches my habits first. Pivoting from a physical presence to a voice and face on a screen is gutting, and finding the same comfort can feel like a hopeless grapple.
Nevertheless, the search for what works is not a futile one. Open, raw communication is key, and the sometimes-difficult intimate conversations about your relationship could very well lead you to configurations that ease the distance, dampening the impact of changes you’ll inevitably encounter. Phases of life can shift quickly from far away, and mentally preparing each other for difficult or busy periods of time can make way for more emotional predictability, support, and love when life gets tough.
Still, between virtual movie nights and faraway celebrations, time can feel rather fragmented into sections of togetherness and distance: every second together finite and fleeting, and every minute apart a slow-opening drawbridge to our next reunion. It’s tempting to live prematurely in our promised future of togetherness, safety and of inconsequentially passing time, which can make present-day distance feel transitory. Although simply tiding it out seems feasible, continuing to share pastimes and simple moments can help close the gap, and sprinkle novelty into the digital routine. My partner and I have remained rooted in each others’ physical life from afar, by sending flowers and snail mail, crafting and reading together, or calling overnight to tide through particularly quiet nights – my personal favourite. With well-loved routines and two well-loved individuals, the distance, though physically the same, can feel so much smaller.
Finally, although dread surrounds the distance, there comes immense joy with celebrating each other from afar, and doing that with one foot in two places. Now, at the end of a year and a half of loving from afar, I find myself counting the time a little less, and using those fragments to savour every moment with the person who has put in the love, effort, and time to show up for me from afar. Finding closeness in the distance takes work, but understanding and loving who you’re biding that time with, maybe a little less so.
Illustration provided by Lauren Tooze (@laurentoozeillustration) for The Student
